The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the United States.

Any young man or woman setting his or her foot or feet on American soil would do well to go through the below text. It explains basic and advanced survival tactics so that one does not feel left out in the whole enormity of the US of A.

You would do well to take a printout of the text below and file it carefully under ‘S’ for ‘Survival’ (or ‘C’ for ‘Crap’, if you so desire). The file can then be used as a handy survival guide/paperweight/toilet paper substitute (see section on Hygiene below).

For your (in)convenience, the text has been broken down into sections, for no discernable reason whatsoever.

Section 1: At the office

1. When your American manager asks if you have some gum, (s)he is referring to chewing gum, not Fevicol.
2. Your American manager will look at you in a funny way if you happen to offer him/her one for the other.
3. Excel is God. Accept it.
4. You can stick photos of almost anything on your cubicle walls, including those of your last root canal surgery.
5. Making coffee involves pressing more buttons than writing code to operate a space shuttle.
6. Vending machines possess evil spirits within, who will consume every penny you possess and then refuse to give up a bar of candy, no matter how hard you bang in the glass partition
7. M&Ms are God’s (see point 3 above) gift to mankind.


Section 2: Hygiene

1. Most offices and hotels do not offer handwash services. It is considered proper to use a tissue to wipe your hands after every meal.
2. It is considered impolite to use your tablecloth /tongue/pants/friend as a tissue.
3. Most American restroom facilities do not contain running water to cleanse yourself after FFLUSH (stdout)
4. See point (2) again.

Section 3: On the road

1. Roads are divided into ‘streets’, ‘avenues’ , ‘blocks’ and ‘paths’.
2. Two avenues = 1 block = 3 streets = 123.8786 paths (Actual results may vary. Contact your physician for more details)
3. Pedestrian traffic signals will show the WALK sign when you are 4 minutes away from the crossing and will change to the DO NOT WALK sign just when you reach the crossing.
4. Don’t try jumping over cars in order to cross a road. You are not Spiderman.
5. Nor Superman.
6. Come to think of it, Superman is not Spiderman, either.
7. Interesting.
8. No two cars on the road will ever be alike.
9. No two abuses from car owners to pedestrians will ever be alike.
10. It is physically impossible to hold an umbrella, speak on your Bluetooth headset, hold your office bag, lunch bag and two weeks worth of groceries, place your hands in your jacket pocket for warmth, listen to your MP3 player and cross the road at the same time without being laughed at by little Chinese children.


Section 4: At home

1. Fire alarms will start ringing if you even think about something hot (eg: Mallika Sherawat)
2. Fire alarms will shout ‘FIRE FIRE’ in a voice provided by Himmesh Reshammiya after inhaling two cubic centimeters of helium gas.
3. Ketchup can be used to mask any undesirable taste in food.
4. Chapatis tend to get sticky if you microwave them for 3 minutes each.
5. Papad tends to turn into ash if you hold it above a flame for over 3 minutes, after which the fire Himmesh alarm will start yelping again.
6. Ovens possess all possible heat settings, including ‘Warm’, ‘Cook’, ‘Fry’, ‘Deep Fry’ and ‘Incinerate’.
7. Knives are sharp.
8. REALLY sharp.
9. You will never find a bottle opener when you need one.
10. Centralised heating/cooling system will heat the house during summer and freeze the house during winter.
11. Televisions can be made to work by banging on them repeatedly.
12. Jacuzzi bathtubs take a real long time to drain.

Section 5: Shopping

1. Most shop counters will be (wo)manned by cute girls who will say ‘Good evening sir!’ in a very friendly way and who will then proceed to drain every cent out of your bank account whilst you stare dumbfounded at the swiping machine.
2. When shopping for clothes, Indian shirt sizes do not hold good. An XL size shirt in the US is enough to comfortably clothe a rhino.
3. Stop converting everything into rupees. You are paying $2/- for a pair of socks, not Rs. 80/-

More survival tips will be sent out periodically.