Our Mall

Its summer. Temperatures are approaching nova levels. At home the air conditioning system has officially gone on strike.

At times like this, there’s only one thing to do.

Head for the mall!

In recent times, malls have sprung like big air-conditioned mushrooms all over the city of Mumbai. There’s hardly any major location which does not have a mall associated with it.

What’s so special about malls? Why do people swarm like locusts towards malls? And why am I asking so many questions?
Based on years of experience and after collating huge amounts of data, I have reached the following conclusions as to why malls have become so popular in modern times:

1.Malls offer a one-stop shopping experience. Everything from baby nappies to ghagra-cholies … you name it, chances are that your friendly neighbourhood mall will stock it.
2. Most malls have multiplex theatres associated with them.
3. Malls possess air-conditioning that would put Antarctica to shame.
4. Malls are great places to find chicks.

To those uninitiated into the Mall Experience, here is a brief Virtual Shopping Guide.

Firstly, how do you know if you are visiting a mall? How can you be sure that you aren’t actually visiting an over-sized vegetable market?

Well, for starters, most malls have the word ‘Mall’ in their name. This is to distinguish them from your local grocery shop. If you see a building labeled ‘Thambi Mall’ as opposed to ‘Thambi Grocery Shop’, you can be sure that it is a mall. Plus, malls tend to be a wee bit bigger than Thambi’s Grocery Shop.

Before entering any mall, you and your luggage will be subject to a series of security checks. Anything bigger than a cellphone has to be deposited with the security guard at the entrance, who will, almost always, possess a thick black moustache.

After surrendering your everything to Captain Moustache, you will enter the mall. The first thing that will hit you is the smell of about a gazillion perfumes. La Coste, Eternal Flame, Black Beauty, Silver Arrow, Turquoise Tandoori … you name it, that perfume is there. On most occasions, an army of mall attendants will approach you, armed with a thousand perfume bottles each and will attempt to douse you with ‘samples’. By the time you find your way out of the Perfume Department, you will smell like a cross between Golden Dandelions and Pink Paradise. Trust me, that don’t smell so good.

Whilst attempting to relieve yourself of all the fragrances on earth, you will find yourself dab smack in the middle of the Glass Department. Here, you are allowed to ooh and aah at the various delicate glass figurines on display but are not allowed to touch, or even think of touching, any of them, lest you convert Swarovski’s Finest Glass into Swarovski’s Finest Powdered Pile of Dust.

You will then board an escalator and escalate to the next level, namely Gentleman’s Shopping. This is regardless of whether you are actually a gentleman or a member of the Ku Klux Klan. At Gentleman’s Shopping, you will view a wide array of products designed for the Complete Man. Of course, this is assuming that the Complete Man has a Completely Full Bank Balance. Shirts, suits, trousers, T shirts.. the whole deal is present in this section of the mall.

One piece of men’s wear that is an absolute miracle of modern technology is the cargo pant. For starters, these pants come in adjustable lengths, from knee length to sole length to foot length to road-scrubbing length. Also, these pants possess about a thousand different pockets, designed to store everything from the gentleman’s wallet to the gentleman’s cell phone to the gentleman’s nuclear bazooka.

Once you are bored to your eyebrows with Gentleman’s Shopping, you proceed towards, naturally, The Ladies’ Section.

If you are a lady, this is Utopia. If you are not a lady, may God protect you.

Ladies’ showrooms can be identified from space due to the abundance of the colour pink. Pink walls, pink mannequins, pink lipstick…. The list is endless. Which is not to say that other colours are neglected.

80% of the time, Ladies’ Wear is the cause of the Battle of the Sexes.

What happens is this: Woman with all good intentions, drags husband/boyfriend/brother from the Electronics Showroom to the Ladies’ Wear section and proceeds to bombard him with questions related to Women’s Fashion. Husband/boyfriend/brother is totally out of sorts here, due to a genetic condition present in all men.

Men can see only three colours: Red, Blue and Green. To a man, any and all pieces of clothing can be classified under one of these categories.

Imagine his state when asked by his female companion as to whether he thinks the fuschia blouse matches the mauve pallu.

Any attempts on his part to clarify the meaning of fuschia, mauve or pallu will result in a Rather Nasty Look from the Lady, who will proceed to give him the Cold Shoulder and may lead to a few generalized comments about Mankind.

Once you are through with garment shopping and your wallet/purse feels considerably lighter, you ooze towards the Electronics Wing.

I am normally quite a smart chappie, although my friends will most assuredly tell you otherwise. But there are two places where I fail miserably. One is in the Ladies’ Wear section. Another is in Electronics Showroom.

Whenever I step foot into Electronics Showroom, a bevy of store attendants gather around me like a pack of hyenas surrounding a wounded zebra. They will then inform me that, in their opinion, I really need a 34 inch, 348 horsepower ultra-flat, micro-light LCD display television. They will draw my attention towards a monstrosity that fills half the room and whose clarity is so good that I can discern Abhishek Bachchan’s nosehair on screen.

Before I can tell them that I am not interested, the hyenas shove me towards a portable, state-of-the-art DVD player complete with Surround Sound, Woofer, Boozer and Lord-Knows-What-Else. I am then introduced to the latest in cellphone technology, a device which, in addition to being a phone, possesses BlueTooth, GreenTongue, InfraRed, UltraViolet, a 200 megapixel camera, and so forth. It could probably detect Life on Mars, if asked to do so.

If you survive the Electronics Showroom, you will enter the Department Store, where you will find the following:

1. People
2. Many people
3. Many many people.

As you may have guessed, Department Stores tend to get crowded.

There are always items on Sale in Department Stores, not to mention Special Offers. For example, if you buy 300 kg of washing powder, you get 124 toothpicks ABSOLUTELY FREE (Limited time offer only).

I always make a hurried exit from Department Stores, lest any patron take me away as per some free offer (“Buy 8 kilogrammes of potato, get Arun Narayanan ABSOLUTELY FREE! (Offer open till stock lasts)”).

If you are lucky, you could become the 50th. Customer, like my pal Ms. Ami. She held the title of 50th. Customer at a mall in Mumbai recently. She was crowned Queen, sat on a throne, had her photograph taken and was given immense recognition.

Moral of the story: When you enter a Department Store, make sure to take 49 of your closest friends along with you.

By this time, you will yearn for the outside world. So, you will retrace your steps back to the entrance. During this procedure, you will most probably lose your way and end up back inside Ladies’ Section or the Perfume Department.

At times like this, huge maps located on every floor will come to your rescue. These maps will contain a giant red ‘X’ proudly proclaiming ‘YOU ARE HERE’. Surrounding the ‘X’ will be a diagrammatic representation of your surroundings, which, to me, makes as much sense as rocket science.

After asking your way out, you retrieve your belongings from Captain Moustache, bid him well and head towards the multiplex theater, popcorn in tow.

Which brings us to the end of the Virtual Shopping Expedition.

So the next time you enter a mall, take this handy guide with you. And let me know if it helps you enhance your shopping experience in any way.

Note: It doesn’t.

One last thing before I sign off… What the devil is fuschia, anyway?