The Theory of Relativity

Stop. Don’t go.

I am not going to conduct a seminar on Einstein’s Theory of Relativity. Fascinating as I am sure it must be, this particular theory tends to make my brain cells press the Self-Destruct button.

The Theory of Relativity I allude to concerns another equally fascinating facet of Nature: relatives.

The term ‘relative’ originates from the Greek word ‘relatia’ meaning ‘I just made up that Greek word’.

‘Relative’ is a broad term, all-encompassing. Its usage extends from blood relatives to not-so-blood relatives to chaps who are related to you just because you owe them money.

I am proud to say that my platoon of relatives is quite large. I am sure that if all my relatives were to assemble at one place on a given day, their sheer numbers would be enough to fill a medium-sized football field. (Some of them are quite rotund, which just adds to the total space occupied in the football field).

My relatives, may their tribe increase, come in all shapes, sizes and specifications. Some are young, most are ancient. Some of them possess all 32 teeth in sparkling condition, while others tend to remind you of the protagonist of the movie ‘Jaws’ when it comes to the tooth department. A few have set up residence in foreign countries, while others prefer to remain loyal to the Motherland. Some live in fast-paced cities, while many tend to hang around rural locations, where the most exciting thing to happen in decades is when Subbu runs away with his neighbour’s goat, only to have Neighbour usurp Subbu’s prized chicken.

Despite all their differences, one thing is common to all my relatives: they have the unerring knack of popping into my home at ungodly hours like 3 in the afternoon, when any young, healthy bloke my age would be engaged in his afternoon siesta. The fact that most of these visits are unannounced tends to amplify the ‘surprise’ factor a bit.

Based on my years of experience in dealing with the most motley, rag-tag bunch of relatives ever to eat thairam chaadham (curd rice, for those of the non-South Indian persuasion), I have come up with the following general categories into which most relatives can be classified:

The Loudspeaker: This category consists of relative specimens who are blessed with the superhuman ability to unleash powerful sonic blasts at any unsuspecting waif. They generally enter the house with a hearty “HA HA HA HO HO HO HO HO” and continue conversing in ever-increasing decibel levels. On their departure from home, thought is given to the approximate cost of sound-proofing the old flat. Plaster is still falling from the ceiling of my room owing to the visit of a particularly jovial uncle two months ago.

The Fossil: Relatives belonging to this category have conquered Time. They are characterized by having atleast one walking stick, two sets of false teeth, three pairs of reading glasses and an artificial hip-joint or two. These specimens will amble their way into your room and plonk themselves on the most comfortable sofa available, emitting a chilling “AYYYOOOOO”. They will then proceed to give you a blow-by-blow account of every bone in their frail body, blaming it all on the Locust Attack of 1756.

The Disease: Members of this clan possess the ability to describe every disease they have experienced, are experiencing and will most certainly experience in the near future, should this wretched cold wave continue. They seem oblivious to the fact that not many people are interested in knowing how many chicken pox they have or the status of their gall bladder. One good thing about this category of relatives is that they tend to overlook the fact that, half an hour into their lecture, most of their audience has been frozen solid due to boredom.

The Headhunter: Beware this class of relatives. Just like vultures can smell rotting carrion miles away, these relatives can smell eligible bachelors/ girls of marriageable age over great distances. They also possess incredible memory skills and are capable of recollecting that X’s niece’s brother’s son is currently working in America and would be quite the mate for G’s daughter’s niece’s sister. To them, the ‘America’ stamp is the ultimate achievement for any boy, akin to winning the Oscar or calculating the value of pi upto 4506 decimal places. Regardless of the fact that the chappie under discussion is currently scrubbing dishes at a McDonald’s dab smack in the middle of the Okeefenokee Swamp of America, the Headhunter relative will leave no stone unturned in his/her quest to find a perfect match for the ‘American’.

The Brat: This classification of relatives is restricted to those under the age of 5 and under 3 feet in height. They generally tend to arrive in swarms and are characterized by a lot of screaming, yelling, hair-pulling, nose-picking and other stuff you wouldn’t want to do in front of Her Majesty the Queen. Brat-like relatives have a strange affinity for anything made of glass and tend to spend most of their waking hours devising new and improved ways of destroying glass artifacts, statues and other delicate items.

The Weary Traveler: These relatives emerge from the woodwork every so often, on the way to a pilgrimage or a trip of sorts. They travel miles by train, car, bus, mammoth, etc and by the time they reach home, they declare that they are ‘tired’. They will immediately demand two or three pegs of the strongest blend of coffee in the house, followed by an endless chain of dosas to satisfy their famished appetites. After having consumed their meager meal, they will fall asleep on your favourite mattress and emit snoring sounds which have been known to arouse the mating instincts of blue whales.

The Family Man: This group of relatives is not obtrusive as an individual, but is accompanied by any, or possible all, of the above categories of relatives. They will materialize on your doormat one fine day, complete family and pets in tow. A characteristic feature of such relatives is their penchant for luggage: they will never leave home without atleast 66 suitcases, shoulder bags and plastic carry-bags, most of which will feature the words “Nalli Silk Sarees, Chennai” emblazoned in the most crimson letters known to man. They will also force you to sing. Its at such times that you wish the Earth would swallow you up.

The Cheek Pullers: These blokes derive immense pleasure from stretching your cheek muscles to the point of snapping. They will usually exclaim “My God! How much you have grown! Sooooo biiiiiig you have become!” whilst undertaking the cheek-pulling torture. By the time they are through greeting you, your cheek muscles tend to acquire the look and feel of Droopy Dog’s.


So the next time you meet your relatives, take a long, hard look at them. Try to classify them into the above categories. You will be amazed at how intricate the Theory of Relativity is.

Just do me a favour. Don’t tell your relatives that I proposed the Theory of Relativity.

I value my cheek muscles a lot.