The Sound of Music

I have a confession to make. I have been trying to fight it for a long time, but it is too powerful. I cannot keep it within myself any longer. The world has got to know.

I cannot sing.

Stop. That's too harsh. I prefer the term 'musically challenged'.

When, you may ask, did all this start? And even if you didnt ask, you are going to know, anyway.
It was the year 1983. He Who Lives Above decided to unleash me upon an unsuspecting world. However, it seems He got the design document a litle mixed up and replaced my vocal chords with those of a member of the species Equus assinus.. the donkey.

Whenever there was any family gathering, consiting of assorted aunts, uncles and second- cousins -twice -removed, in keeping with established traditions among South Indian families, some elderly chappie would ask my parents "Ivan paathu padikarana?" (Translation: Is he studying music?")

At such times, my dad would look at the floor with great interest and my mom would immediately offer everyone filter coffee, in attempts to change the topic. These tactics werent fool-proof, however, because some uncles and aunts would persist with the topic with great interest, expecting me to stand up and belt out a Keerthana or Bhajan or some such thing.

At long last, my dad, with pity in his eyes, would recommend that I sing something.

Suffice it to say that I was not invited to many family gatherings.

Undaunted, my parents tried every trick in the book to elucidate even an atom of music from me. I must have had five different music teachers in my childhood. I fondly remember one tall individual with grey hair. He came to my home from Thane, which is Rather Far Away.

The first music session proceeded thus:

Master: Repeat after me ... SAAAAAAAAAA
Me (taking a deeeep breath): SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Master: Saa Nee Daa Paa Maa Gaa Re Saa
Me (confused): Saa Nee Paa Nee Margharita
Master (undaunted): No no, say Saa Nee Daa Paa...
Me (preparing to unleash sonic assault): SAAAAAAAA neeeeeeeeeee DDDDDDDDAAAAAAAAAAADAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

(sound of breaking glass)

After two classes, the Master left for Tamil Nadu, his interest having shifted from music to classical dance. I wonder why..

At the age of 18, my voice broke. It was then that my parents finally decided that My Artistic Talents Lay Not in the Sphere of Music.

Its not that I am not influenced at all by music. My gang of friends consists of blokes who are absolute stalwarts of music. Mr. Rama's violin generates symhony par excellance. Many are the cold nights in Mysore that we have spent absolutely enthralled by his music. And when Ms. Divya combined this violin masterpiece with her nightingale-like voice, pure magic ensued.

Nowadays, mucic 'jammin' sessions are held quite frequently at the house of my friend and fellow blogger Mr. Abinav.

Mr. Abinav and fellow blogger Mr. Shirishkumar Shivram Shetty wield their guitars like expert marksmen, while my own roomie Mr. Kauti plies his grimy little hands on the harmonium and casio like a maestro. My portly friend Mr. Ram (Bhookosaurus mulundensis as he more popularly known) keeps his vocal chords in great shape.

At such sessions, I normally sit in a corner and annoy everyone. At times, I offer my opinions, such as "This anthra does not suit that mukhda". The fact that,to my ears, the anthra kind of blends in with the mukhda doesnt help add weight to my opinion, which is usually rubbished away with a "HATTTTT" from Mr. Kauti.

Is there any hope for me and millions of other musically challenged people? Can we ever hope to rise from the shallow depths of croaky voices to reach for the stars? Do we have even the faintest chance of making it to the Big Time in the Musical Arena?

YES!

The recent success of one of our musically challenged friends fortifies our determination. He has shown that it is possible for even the lowliest of the lowly musically challenged individual to Hit it Big.

What's the secret to his success? His motto explains it all:

" USE THY NOSE"

Who needs vocal chords?

Bollywood, here I come!!